Story Time: Wax On, Wax Off

Here's something you should know about me: I love my weekends. My weekends are used for procrastinating against the things I should be doing (like straightening out my take on Russian prepositional tense) and instead taking my time to do nothing (like read, binge watch Amazon, etc.). This weekend, however, I finally felt motivated to do something I'd been telling myself to do for a while: self-waxing my... um, bikini area.

Now I sound like a mess. Not my goal for my second blog post... Here's the deal: I do wax, other people don't. That's cool. I wax for me (should any hater say I don't need to wax- I really just enjoy having everything neat. End of story), but the salon is a lot easier for someone who doesn't enjoy ripping hair out of their bodies. Also, if you make an appointment, you have to show up, or there's a cancellation fee. When you're a broke college student though, spending $40 on a wax is less possible than when you're working three jobs. Queue the self-wax, Sally Hansen thing I bought at Rite Aid.

I had just gotten back from the beach (this was about 3(?) months ago) and I was set to spend some time with my (now ex, but that's another story) boyfriend. This meant an Air BnB, among other things. So, being still very self-conscious and pressed for time, I bought this kit. But damn it, the night before I sat in front of the microwave for an hour saying I needed to get it done, but just didn't do it.

Two months later.... I'm in Ireland, on a night when I'm feeling especially motivated and ready to give the waxing thing a go. I go into my tiny shared kitchen to stick my little container of wax in the microwave.

"What's that?" says the only room mate who's home and is eating cereal (I'm very clever.... everyone else is gone).

"A face treatment" (for older ladies and another kind of treatment for me).

"Oh... Lovely."

Yup. Real lovely. I act like an evasive raccoon and run back to my tiny room/closet/hole thing that I sleep in. I turn on the hot water in my sink and stop the plug. Maybe this will keep the wax from solidifying like Amazon reviews says it's so prone to do. And I begin the steps on the little paper slip:

Step one: I stick the little popsicle-stick thing in... It's smells like gardenias. Um.... Why?? but anyways.... and then I stick it on my skin. It's warm. I can spread it around easily enough like they do at the salon.

Step two: Spread it around, stick the paper on, smooth it down. I take a breath. One. Two. Three.

Step three: Riiiip. Ouch. Okay. I look down. The little crook near my hipbone is red but hairless. Perrrfect.

Step four: Continue. This isn't so bad, I say to myself. Let's go with the rest of it. So I go a little further in. Now mind you, it's been a *little* while. I've been putting it off a bit. Put the paper on. RIP it off. And I look.

There's still some wax. I'm pretty sure this isn't in the instructions. I double check. It isn't. Okay. Little more paper. On. RIP! off. I look.

It's still there. F***.

I spread it with a finger and try to wipe it on the towel. My towel is blue. Here's the thing about wax. It's supposed to take things off. I thought it would work on my skin... Not so much. But it sure as hell worked on my Tiffany Blue towel. So now my fingers are blue and my wax is everywhere.

At this point, I'm panicking a bit. I did a lot of research prior to the whole self-wax thing and it said, basically, that it's really hard to get wax off once it's on. So I try another piece of paper. I give up on that section for a bit when it doesn't totally come off and I move on to a *sparser* section.

That doesn't do a thing either. So I'm panicking with wax on half of my body and all over my hands (and hair) and come to one reasonable conclusion: I am just going to have to shave everything off. So I do, and I go through two razors. This wax is sticky and seems to really like the little nooks and crannies that come with your everyday disposable razor.

It takes me an hour, but I finally get everything off of me and onto the floor. the wax promptly goes in the trash (along with the sticks and paper) and I go to sleep.

Long story short, ladies and gents, is that I will be going to the salon in the future, because I am an inept young lady who can't DIY her own body hair. Or I may just forgo it all together. I now have an appreciation for the gals who go au naturel. If you have tips or alternatives, please comment below. If you've never waxed yourself: kids, don't try this at home. Now adios.... I've got to go clean the bathroom before someone sees it...